Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
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[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
“That’s what” – She
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING