No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
You Might Also Like
BaD BoY!!
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.