There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
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Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
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Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
The sacred texts.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job