[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
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*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
The Compass
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.