you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
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I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.