These are my emotional support Pringles.
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Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
Harsh but fair
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati