*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
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[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
What?
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
I’d use my best pan on you.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.