My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
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This fish is cracking me up
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
british sex workers really pound for pound
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.