With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
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Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.