*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
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British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!