Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
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Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.