I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
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*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
*offers Batman cough drops*
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌