I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
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My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
paddle faster i hear baby shark
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
i hate you platonically
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*