My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
You Might Also Like
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat