“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
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I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Go girl power!
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
Practicing safe sax
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.