The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
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It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Door goes
Him: hello love is your mam or dad home?
Me: eh?
Them: I’m just going round the doors talking to people about the local election
Me: …
Him: are they in?
Me: nah sorry they’re not
*as I close the door* cos I’m 35 and they don’t live here
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
Got an annoying neighbour? Leave a note on their car: “Sorry about the damage, but I’ve patched it up so you probably can’t even see it.”
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
BRO LMFAO
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
So you heard that after I won several cuts from the butchers in a card game, I got back home to the farm to find out that one of my female sheep was questioning the existence of tropical cyclones, and you want to know if its true?
Well that’s four meat Uno, and ewe typhoon doubt.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.