My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
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I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”