As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
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Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
your honor my client chooses dare
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.