Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
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choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?