I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
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Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity