Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
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16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
So that’s what we looked like?
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible