Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
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Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”