Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
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Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?