My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
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employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
This is a sub tweet
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
True
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.