NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
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Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit