If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
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[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
my retirement plan is braless
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.