My apartment is a mess, I should move
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I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.