I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
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a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.