*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
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*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
the simulation is moving too fast
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.