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Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
new career option?
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.