no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
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“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.