What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
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Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
This is enough internet for the day.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.