[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
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Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
Wake me when AI does housework
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.