WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
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Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
How did we not see this back then?
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.