Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
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Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency