Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
You Might Also Like
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!