very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
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Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
I don’t get marriage
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Bobby pin
Hey I worked for it too!
channeling her this year
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.