Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
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[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.