Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
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Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes