I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
You Might Also Like
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?