If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
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Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
The Others (2001)
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler