Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
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Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie