I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
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I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great