[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
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The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Lube but for my dry humor.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots: