My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
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barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?