You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
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It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.