Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
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“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.