Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
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I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Natty or not?
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.