sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
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me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.