Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
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if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.